Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Randomize
