I took shrooms, thc and molly but its okay i'm surrounded by freaks
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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