First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My vagina just clenched in fear
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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