They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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