We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
