Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
