He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Randomize
