He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
