i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
Randomize
