R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
