So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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