I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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