I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
So vagazzling was a success
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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