Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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