I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
People in love make me want to vomit
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
