the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
