Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Randomize
