onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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