Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
