my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
