You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
