he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
