so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
