After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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