after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize