did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
