i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
