I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize