I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
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