When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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