Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
that's an acceptable place to lick
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
