So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
