My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
