Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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