Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
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