Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
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