i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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