There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
