I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
