You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
