And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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