you're like a bully in the Christmas story
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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