Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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