You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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