the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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