so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I want her autograph on my taint
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
