mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
