Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Randomize
