I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize