im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
