did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
