party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
