FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize