i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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