she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
