I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
