new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
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