its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
